This morning I found a huge list of unfinished ‘things’ before me – big things like work projects, house projects, life projects. Also small things like ‘go to the post office, deposit money at bank, rotate the mattress…”
Many of these things have been on my list for months now.
They are not new.
As I looked at them, however, something new became clear.
I could feel how much I was resisting doing them – even though many of them were relatively simple and wouldn’t take much time or energy.
Further, I became acutely aware of a specific voice in my head. A voice that said:
“Look at this list. Look at this and this and that and this. You should have already done that. Also, this, why haven’t you finished this already? What’s wrong with you?”
And on and on and on.
I sat there, watching. Listening.
What this voice was saying was pretty shocking.
I thought I’d made a lot of progress when it comes to negative-self-speak and self-shaming.
As it turns out, I both have and haven’t.
Overall, my self-talk is fairly kind, compassionate, understanding, and even loving – when I’m aware of it.
However, there are some very old, very ingrained patterns still operating beneath the surface.
Today I had the opportunity to listen to and watch one of these patterns.
I had the opportunity to feel the pain that goes along with putting so much unnecessary pressure on myself. To feel the grief that underlies this self-bullying, this self-shaming.
And, to once again understand something inherent to my nature:
When I’m told (by someone else OR by myself) that I’m wrong, I’m bad, or that I ‘should’ do this or that, I’m going to resist.
Unfortunately, this resistance simply exacerbates the issue.
…I don’t do something. I shame myself for not doing it. I resist the shaming/self-bullying through continuing to not do the thing… which leads to even more shaming… and thus to even more resistance. And so on…
Today, through becoming aware of this pattern, I was able to interrupt it.
I was able to offer some love and kindness to all parts of me – the part that doesn’t complete things, the part that ‘shoulds’, the part that shames, the part that resists the shaming.
I am grateful.
Today, I am grateful to this pattern for reaching a level of intensity I could no longer ignore – where I could actually hear what I was saying to myself.
Today I am grateful that no matter how long a particular pattern has been operating, that there is always the opportunity, through awareness and love, to shift that pattern and to bring ease, healing, and transformation home – into my body, into my life.
For you, today:
Is there something you are are not doing that is important (on any level) to you?
If you were to pause, just for a moment, and listen to what you are saying to yourself about this thing, what might you hear?
And, what might support you in offering some love and kindness to the various parts of you involved in your up-to-this-moment-inability to do the thing you want to do?
much love to you,