AN OPEN LETTER TO YOU:
I have some things to tell you. Things that are personal in nature. Things that, while personal, are directly affecting how I am showing up in my business right now.
I’m getting married on September 29th.
Shocking. To me at least. I never wanted to get married.
I was never that girl who dreamed of her fairy tale wedding and fantasized over the dress, the colors, the… well, whatever else it is that young girls include in their wedding fantasies.
If anything, I was the opposite.
I was the girl who never, ever, ever wanted to get married. I was the girl who turned into a young adult and eventually a woman still singing the same song.
And yet, here I am now, 6 weeks out from becoming a married woman.
A woman who is even going to take her man’s last name.
If I think about it much, it totally freaks me out.
And yet, I have to think about it, I have to allow the fear, the worry, the anxiety to arise.
How else can I meet it? How else can I work through all the terror that the concept of marriage brings up in me?
For so many years, marriage meant:
- stagnation / the end of growing and evolving as a person.
- the possibility of being abandoned, of being hurt, of being lied to or cheated on (at worst) OR of living in a state of passionless co-existence (at best??).
- a horrible, dreadful thing that you stayed in ‘out of obligation,’ or ‘for the children,’ or because you were too scared to leave or didn’t believe there was the possibility of anything better for you out there.
- losing myself, my identity, my larisa-ness.
I’m quite certain there are many other awful connotations and closely held fears as well. These are just the ones that jumped out of my fingers in this moment.
Marriage, to me, never meant anything positive.
And, honestly, the vast majority of the marriages that I saw totally fed and confirmed my belief.
And yet, here I am, about to get married.
Some major internal shifts have had to occur in order for this to even be a possibility.
I’ve had to learn a whole hell of a lot about love. And trust. And surrender.
For instance, I had to trust that when he asked me to marry him and I felt that sense of rightness in my body, that it was right.
And, I’ve had to slowly, slowly surrender to and trust the love that we have for each other on a much, much deeper level than ever before.
Committing to marriage is perhaps the scariest things I’ve ever done.
I’ve sat with and met oceans of fear and terror – sometimes successfully. Often not.
I’ve picked up the pieces time and time again after totally freaking out and starting some huge fight.
I’ve learned to trust that fighting can (and for us often does) lead to a deepening understanding and increased love.
And, I’ve had the privilege of discovering just how much old wounding can begin to heal when two people fully commit to being true both to each other and to themselves.
All the work and unraveling of old constructs has been worth it.
My capacity to love and to allow myself to be loved has doubled, tripled, quadrupled (!) over this past year.
It is all because, a year ago, I said yes.
Because I said yes and then, with the support of
began the process of meeting and beginning to heal the fear and pain-filled thoughts that the prospect of marriage triggered in me.
Now, today, I actually feel *excited* about the wedding.
I honestly can’t wait to share our commitment to each other in front of our families and closest friends. I get all teary just thinking about it. (gah, I guess I am one of those girls now).
I’d never in a million years guessed this could happen.
So, how does this affect you?
Well, you might have noticed that my writing here is no longer bi-monthly. It dropped down to monthly one (2?) month(s) ago already. And, next month, it likely won’t exist at all.
Right now all this getting married stuff is consuming my energy and something has to go. The writing part of my business is what I’m letting go… at least until October, after things have settled.
Until then, if you’d like to share in my excitement, please do!
Or, if you have any similar experiences of completely changing your mind about something you thought was set in stone, I’d love to hear it. I can’t be the only one who’s made such a complete reversal, right?
Sending so much love to you (wherever you are, whatever is happening in your life right now),
I was also in the never-going-to-get-married camp. But then one day the right guy came along, and presto. 1.5 years so far, and it’s going well. 🙂
Yay! So happy to hear that. I love hearing stories of successful married relationships. 🙂
Staysee Yod says
My message was clipped in the middle somehow….this is what I was trying to type:
As much as I am happy for you, (and, I sincerely am) I must say that I still am in the camp of negative connotations about marriage. Perhaps that will change. And, given that someone like you (who stares down and faces every fear and dark emotion) has found marriage worthwhile, maybe I will too.
Maybe I will even postpone my vasectomy (scheduled for later this year) which is motivated by my fear of being locked into a commitment of raising a child with someone who I might not vibe with after a few years.
Overall, I wish you many blessings. And, I truly understand your need to do less writing….although your monthly candor and catharsis has been more than inspiring to me and many others.
Let me know when that book comes out!!
Hey, I feel you, Staycee. It’s not an easy thing and I’m definitely not saying my path is the right path for anyone else – it just happens to be one that has led to a lot of growth for me personally. 🙂
The best to you and all your big life decisions. 🙂
So, so, so excited for you. And so deeply touched by your honesty in writing and sharing about this part of the journey, which is so often left unspoken.
Was so very good to hang out last night! xo
Thank you, Jesse. Both for the excitement *and* for the appreciation of my sharing. And yes, super great night last night!
Congratulations Larisa! Thanks for your openness and honesty. I think it’s wonderful that you listened to your heart and carefully considered everything that is a part of the decision to get married. I love this that you wrote:
“I had to trust that when he asked me to marry him and I felt that sense of rightness in my body, that it was right.”
This can be so hard to do, to trust that inner-wisdom (well, it’s hard for me at least 🙂 So, good for you!
Whee! Muchas gracias! Yep, that’s an ongoing (probably forever) practice for me – to listen to and actually follow that sense of rightness. Sometimes, it leads to very surprising places!
Aah…I feel all gooey inside now (for my part, I was always one of those girls, don’t ask me why). Wishing you a happy happy marriage!
Thank you! And, gooey is good… apparently. 😉
Janet Robinson says
Larisa – congratulations. Your honest appraisal of your concerns and fears about marriage resonated deep within me. I have always been a die hard romantic and even after two ‘failed’ marriages (if anything can be called a failure?!) I finally committed to marriage again last year, firmly believing as you say that the rightness I felt in my being was to be honoured. One year into the marriage I am still learning about the nature of deep committed love. I am challenged much of the time and old fears surface more than I would like them to but instead of running away, hiding and feeding my fear I am slowly learning to trust to the wonderful spirit of love that called us both to be together. I am moving away from fear and making choices daily for love, commitment and healing. I wish you every happiness and I admire the courage it takes for you to make this life changing commitment.
Hi Janet 🙂
Wow. I’m so in awe of you for committing for the 3rd time *and* for how beautifully you are learning to trust the ‘love that called you both to be together.’ So very lovely. Thank you for sharing!
Amy R. Martin says
Congratulations my lovely!
Also, this post was really encouraging for me to read at this particular moment…so thank you for opening up about your fears.
Thank you!! And, you’re welcome. Makes me really curious what is happening in *your* life to make this post particularly encouraging… 😉
Judy Murdoch says
Congratulations Larisa on such a big life step!
I’ve been married for 17 years and even though there are rough spots as in any relationship of such importance I still deeply love and appreciate my husband. One of the coolest things about marriage is I still discover these neat things about my husband that I either didn’t know about or forgot about. He still makes me laugh and we still have fun together.
My wish for you is that your love for each other continues deepening over time and that you never stop discovering wonderful things about each other. And that you continue growing as individuals and as a couple.
Love and blessings to you both,
Thanks so much, Judy. And, I so appreciate your perspective – from 17 years in! Congratulations for that! And, what a beautiful wish for us. Thanks again. 🙂
Congratulations, Larisa! On your upcoming wedding and all of your soul-searching and growth. Best wishes!
Yay! Thank you!
This makes me so happy. SO happy! Grinning-from-ear-to-ear-as-I-read-it happy. And that photo absolutely warms my heart. 🙂 I think you two are wonderful, both individually and as a couple, and I’m glad you are embracing this grand adventure together. I know it will continue to be a tremendously enriching journey for both of you.
My biggest, warmest, best wishes!!
The warmest of wishes for you both! Much rejoicing and excitements was heard in my apartment!
I am not sure where I fall on the spectrum anymore. It is possible that I might think that if I do indeed fall in love that I do not need the marriage thing anymore, which is a thing I thought I would never think. Who knew. 🙂 And the thing I did recently realize is that there are lots of older (younger) versions of me who did want the white dress (well, sort of, I always wanted a color other than white, like black or blue 😉 and thought it would never happen – and that just because me-of-now doesn’t think it particularly important doesn’t mean that there isn’t a great deal of grief in the past that needs to be acknowledged.
nancy anson says
You’re going to love the sharing and the history that you develop with your partner. There’s nothing like it. . .
FABULOUS! I’m so happy for you both!
Larisa my love,
I am just so unbelievably inspired and proud of you! And grateful that you chose to blog about the truth of your journey and the different levels of resistance or uncertainty that you have experienced along the way. It’s reassuring to hear.
And sometimes being faced with another’s love for us- can allow more pain to arise, ready to be acknowledged and healed. And even though I am single again and seeming to start dating afresh =- this has been my experience so far. In fact the more love, or intensity, the more reactivity gets triggered. At least this has been my experience.
So congratulations my love! I am so, so happy for you both! Wooohooooooo!
Wishing for you a beautiful and inspiring long journey of love together! Congratulationssss!
Such gorgeous news to hear – fabulous picture of you both too!
Congratulations Larisa, beautiful, I wish all the very best for you and your man. He must be as special as you. x
Yael Saar says
So happy for you.
I will miss your writing. not in the make you feel bad sort of way — in the eagerly awaiting its return way.
congratulations. to both of you.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage Larisa! Exciting indeed. Well, it is a good day astrologically – Thursday is ruled by the wonderful planet Jupiter, and Venus in rulership, Libra (and the Sun is there too), conjunct exalted Saturn, making me know this is indeed for the long haul. You have a new waxing moon in Scorpio, so emotions run deep – since Mars is in feisty Leo, the only thing I could see is making sure both parties watch their temper and not hurt the other – everything else looks good. I used to think all of those things of marriage too Larisa. I thought it meant you had to compromise who you are. If you marry the right partner, it actually enhances who you are – it makes you an even more vibrant, alive person! Imagine that! Wishing you the very best!!
Whew…..it’s all as you say, heart-stopping, breath-taking, and mind-boggling. This marriage I live in now, 5 years this August……was not my first but it’s been the best thing that happened to me and I like myself better now after all the lessons I’ve gleaned from being in it. I know I have even more respect for my husband now than I did when we got married and our marriage is/was definitely based on love and respect and integrity.
I think there is more to our growth as humans than reaching a certain age or whatever we perceive adulthood to be. Having been in relationships both within and without of marriage, I feel that intimacy is something that isn’t truly reached until all those barriers are gone and you are there in that bare place, together, and you still choose to be there. I think it’s in that place that our lives get the fullest, juiciest, and most potent.
Best to both of you, I agree with the person who said you are both so awesome as individuals and together you’ll rock.
Andreas Pfister says
thats really good news. congratulation. hopefully you remember me – the crazy man with the helicopter from munich. and you have helped me so.
and now you’ll get married – I Think that is a great decision. and I’m very sure that it is the right one. you told me every time to listen to my heart. do you remember? now you have done the same. all the best to you. I’m happy for you. and I am anxious to hear your next in october.
Thank you for sharing all this Larissa, and congratulations on everything – a very exciting internal shift which allows you to move on in your external situation. I wish I had your perception when I got married 17 years ago. All those fears had to surface later, which was quite messy, but even then there was still a happy ending and we are more together and happier as a result of our soul-searching (which still goes on and creates never-ending change in our relationship). Here’s to marriage being the great adventure it’s meant to be!!
Well, I’m certainly late to this party, but congratulations!
I was going through some of my connotations with marriage just the other night:
– either: tired of kids, lost life to kids, or never want kids
– tied down
– fighting or disconnected from yourself.
But I thought more about it and I realized it can be about:
– the divine
And so, just like you, I’m making the transition from someone who never wanted to get married to someone…who is going to. Because when he asked, yes felt right. 🙂
I found it all so inspiring!
Love and huggs from Brazil.