[Note: this is Day 3 of a 10-Day Self-Care Expedition in which I am examining my relationship with food and movement. You are welcome to join this expedition at any point through committing to your own self-care practice, commenting, and/or silently supporting.]
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling excited about driving to Forest Park and walking up my favorite long hill.
Everything felt clear in my body. There was no pressure or contraction or resistance to be felt.
Except, I also wanted to have coffee with my husband. And then we started talking about something. And then something else came up.
Only a short hour after getting up, when the thought again crossed my mind to go for a walk up the hill, I felt all this resistance in my body primarily taking the form of constriction through my chest, making it difficult to breath.
I decided to do some working out in the house instead because that felt, in the moment, fun and playful.
However, the thought of driving to the hill kept returning, each time with an increased sense of pressure and ‘should’.
“It felt so good when you first decided to go this morning. What’s wrong with you? Why haven’t you went. You’re not going to go at all, are you?”
As the internal pressure increased, so did my resistance. Plus, the window of time I had to take this walk was quickly closing adding even more pressure (and thus more resistance).
In which a breakthrough (of sorts) occurred.
Luckily, I am in the middle of this expedition; fortunately, I did remember that and was able to interrupt this pattern of pressure and resistance.
I paused and took a moment to check in with what my body wanted now, in this moment.
Note to self: it might be helpful (for me, for you) if I described in a bit more detail what I mean when I say I ‘checked in with what my body wanted.’ Maybe tomorrow…
My body still felt very eager for movement. It was the getting in my car and driving piece that was causing the flare-up of resistance.
As I sat quietly just listening for a moment, I remembered this bluff about a mile’s walk away.
I recalled there were trails going down and up it. Nowhere near as long as my favorite Forest Park hill, but long enough.
And, there was no resistance at all to that idea, just eagerness to get out the door.
So, out the door I went!
And, it was pretty awesome to have an experience of being with my body and being able to respond to the impulse that arose in the moment.
There is something more here for me today.
Something about how when I have an idea or impulse that feels right, I tend to cling to it – often for long after the moment of ‘rightness’ occurred.
It’s like I forget that there is a sense of rightness to follow in every moment. It’s as if I don’t trust that if I miss one of the impulses, that there will be another.
And yet, just as there is always another moment, there is always another impulse. It may not be the same impulse, but whatever it is will meet the exact needs of my body and of me, in that moment.
So, this is where I am today.
Noticing how when I don’t act on something in the moment, but then cling to that something, pressure (quickly followed by resistance) arises.
And then, since I am resisting the pressure, I often end up doing nothing. Well, nothing except beating myself up and feeling guilty about it all, that is! 🙂
Today, I’m feeling really grateful to see this pattern a bit more clearly.
What are you noticing on Day 3 of your expedition? What insights, stories, patterns are beginning to emerge as you deepen into your self-care practice?
sending clarity and love to you.