This morning I found a huge list of unfinished ‘things’ before me – big things like work projects, house projects, life projects. Also small things like ‘go to the post office, deposit money at bank, rotate the mattress…”
Many of these things have been on my list for months now.
They are not new.
As I looked at them, however, something new became clear.
I could feel how much I was resisting doing them – even though many of them were relatively simple and wouldn’t take much time or energy.
Further, I became acutely aware of a specific voice in my head. A voice that said:
“Look at this list. Look at this and this and that and this. You should have already done that. Also, this, why haven’t you finished this already? What’s wrong with you?”
And on and on and on.
I sat there, watching. Listening.
What this voice was saying was pretty shocking.
I thought I’d made a lot of progress when it comes to negative-self-speak and self-shaming.
As it turns out, I both have and haven’t.
Overall, my self-talk is fairly kind, compassionate, understanding, and even loving – when I’m aware of it.
However, there are some very old, very ingrained patterns still operating beneath the surface.
Today I had the opportunity to listen to and watch one of these patterns.
I had the opportunity to feel the pain that goes along with putting so much unnecessary pressure on myself. To feel the grief that underlies this self-bullying, this self-shaming.
And, to once again understand something inherent to my nature:
When I’m told (by someone else OR by myself) that I’m wrong, I’m bad, or that I ‘should’ do this or that, I’m going to resist.
Unfortunately, this resistance simply exacerbates the issue.
For instance:
…I don’t do something. I shame myself for not doing it. I resist the shaming/self-bullying through continuing to not do the thing… which leads to even more shaming… and thus to even more resistance. And so on…
Today, through becoming aware of this pattern, I was able to interrupt it.
I was able to offer some love and kindness to all parts of me – the part that doesn’t complete things, the part that ‘shoulds’, the part that shames, the part that resists the shaming.
I am grateful.
Today, I am grateful to this pattern for reaching a level of intensity I could no longer ignore – where I could actually hear what I was saying to myself.
Today I am grateful that no matter how long a particular pattern has been operating, that there is always the opportunity, through awareness and love, to shift that pattern and to bring ease, healing, and transformation home – into my body, into my life.
For you, today:
Is there something you are are not doing that is important (on any level) to you?
If you were to pause, just for a moment, and listen to what you are saying to yourself about this thing, what might you hear?
And, what might support you in offering some love and kindness to the various parts of you involved in your up-to-this-moment-inability to do the thing you want to do?
much love to you,
larisa
Hi Larisa,
Your article resonated with me because despite being pretty organized, there are things I never seem to get to. Usually because the task is uncomfortable in some way (a sense of dread usually comes up).
Often I also feel a sense of stuckness. I can’t think of an alternative that will make the task more pleasant.
In addition to self-bullying I can get into resentment (“Oh this sucks so much … why do I have to do this”) Which is equally unproductive and not exactly a healing perspective.
Do you have any thoughts for dealing with the resentment and self-pity side? I actually find these thoughts more challenging than the bully in some way. It feels easier to elicit compassion for my bullied self than my sullen self.
Love
Judy
Thanks for this comment, Judy. I can relate to the voices of resentment and self-pity as well.
For me, the simplest, most effective approach is to listen… to pause and to really listen to what these parts of you are saying. And perhaps reflect back to them what you are hearing. It seems that a lot of the time, all that is needed is for these parts of us to be fully acknowledged and heard.
For instance: “Oh this sucks so much … why do I have to do this” could be met with “Yeah, I hear you really don’t want to do this, that it really sucks for you. I’m sorry.”
Further, if possible, allow yourself to feel in your body how much you don’t want to do this thing, to spend some time with the feeling of resistance/resentment. I tend to think that listening without judging (or, if there is judgement, to listen to the judgment as well) is as powerful as compassion in instances like this. For me, actually, listening is a form of compassion. Is this helpful?
Yes, very helpful, Larisa!
You remind me that the parts of myself that are hardest to love are usually the parts that are most in need of love and compassion.
Thank you for such wise and loving advice,
Judy