[Note: this is Day 4 of a 10-Day Self-Care Expedition. I am examining my relationship with food and movement. You are welcome to join in as well through committing to your own self-care practice, commenting, and/or silently supporting.]
In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m actually one day ahead of everyone in this expedition. I started a day early so the daily post would be waiting for you. I’m not really getting up, writing and posting at 6 in the morning. 😉 Ok, onward!
Today it seems as if I’m failing at every aspect of this expedition.
I started off the day with 3 cups of black tea.
Not a bad thing in and of itself. Sometimes my body actually enjoys the feeling of caffeine.
However, now it is mid-afternoon and I feel distracted, anxious, and overwhelmed. I haven’t taken even a moment to slow down and check in.
And, it’s raining.
That only matters because I’m wearing jeans and I don’t want to a) get them wet going for a walk; or b) change into something else. The pressure-resistance pattern is beginning to rear up in a big way.
So, here I am again, about to put my insights from yesterday into effect.
What does my body want in *this* moment?
I take one breath. Now another.
I invite my awareness to begin sinking, sinking, sinking… Sinking down out of my busy busy floating head and into my body. My eyes begin to feel slightly heavy, my vision softens. Yes, even as I’m typing.
I notice this kind of electric feeling running down my legs, this sense of blankness throughout my chest and torso. Tension at the base of my skull.
There is this overall sense of mild-moderate panic running through my body. But, since I’m not feeling super connected to my body right now, it is more of this ‘impression’ vs something I can put into concrete sensation-based language.
Ah. Somehow acknowledging that allows me to take a deeper breath.
And now, I am more present within my body.
There is this gripping sensation in my solar plexus, pressure in my throat, a sense of dullness or heaviness through my stomach.
As I begin to become more aware of what is happening in my body, some of the tension at the base of my skull begins to drain down my neck and to melt away. Nice. I like that.
Now, I’m able to feel how exhausted I feel.
That’s right! I barely slept last night. Just tossed and turned. And, other than a couple of hours with a client, I’ve been mostly working on the computer all day. Not fun. Not nourishing. At least not today.
What might feel nourishing now?
Wow. Even this question brings up discomfort… a dull ache spreading through my chest that whispers ‘Another decision? Just let me rest. Please.’
This ache brings with it sadness. Sadness coupled with the understanding that I’ve once again just pushed through the day without any regard for the needs of my body.
I remember how I didn’t eat (caffeine only) until after 1pm and how very shaky I was feeling by that time. And then, when I did eat, I was super rushed and immediately jumped right back onto the computer afterward.
No wonder my body just wants to rest.
What might feel restful?
More sadness and again, the aching through my chest, less dull and more acute this time.
I sit with it, allowing it to be there, and as it gradually dissolves, I have this sense of more ease and spaciousness throughout my chest. I take another, even deeper, breath.
This is what my body wants right now. This is what she needs. She needs me. Just me. No activity, no food. Just me.
So, this is where Day 4 finds me.
Finally remembering to pause, to slow down, to check in with my body and to listen for her preferences.
Today, I tried very hard to do things *my* way.
It didn’t feel good.
It feels so much better to be here, now, the most connected I have been to my body all day.
I feel relieved and somehow more enlivened even though what is coming up is, again, this ache, this sadness, this grief, for not having listened sooner.
For within this sadness, there is also joy. The joy of homecoming. The joy of once again coming home to my body and to a more true, a more still and connected, experience of myself.
We are entering the midlands of our 10-day expedition. The initial wave of excitement and insights brought on the by the start of the expedition may be beginning to wane.
For me, the midlands are often the hardest part of the expedition and also where the real work is done. The real work of continuing to show up, to remember, and to stick to our commitments. And, of course, the real work of being gentle and kind with ourselves when we don’t show up, remember, or stick to our commitments. 🙂
How does Day 4 find you? What are you noticing? What is emerging for you as you venture deeper into this expedition?