Today marks one year.
One year since my website went live. One year since I committed to writing a newsletter and posting it here twice a month.
One year since I began to shed my invisibility cloak and to let people know that I exist. That I have a business, and mad skills, and a mission to help people connect deeply with themselves for the betterment of all mankind.
Or, preferably, some waaay less cheesy version of that. 🙂
Today, I want to somehow mark this occasion. It *is* an occasion of note.
The problem is, I don’t know how.
I’m really good at noticing all that still needs to be done, all the things I still want to do, to write about, to share, to teach and all the things I didn’t finish over this past year. These things I’m very good at.
I’m not so good at celebrating what actually *has* been accomplished.
In truth, just the word ‘celebrate’ freaks me out.
In truth, I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t want to mark this passage of time. I don’t want to celebrate. I don’t want to ask you to celebrate with me.
And yet, there is something here. Something that is asking to be acknowledged.
I know this because every time I sit down to write, this is all there is.
All the ideas, thoughts, and stories I want to share with you are gone. This is all that remains.
If I can’t celebrate, perhaps I can acknowledge:
- I acknowledge that it has been one year since my website went live.
- One year since I committed to posting and sending out a newsletter twice a month.
- One year since I announced my (mostly lurking) presence on twitter.
- One year since I began making connections with people around the world and reaching out beyond the comfortable circle of my friends here in Portland.
I acknowledge it has been two years…
- Two years since leaving the wellness center where I’d been letting them talk about me and my business for me.
- Two years since deciding I wanted to build my business my way, without the backing of a center.
- Two years since having a total breakdown and quitting my work for a year. Because the very thought of having to talk about what I did made me want to throw up. Oh, I still loved what I did. But, the telling people about it – impossible.
- Two years since taking that one year off to begin to untangle my relationship with the business side of my work.
- 1 year since re-launching my business and occasionally even feeling excited talking about it.
- 7 months since launching Owl Eyes – my beloved e-course.
- 4.5 months since joining the most awesome Mastermind Group in the world.
- 3 weeks since announcing my first live workshop series.
- 2 days since the first session of that series.
Now, again… One Year.
All I want to do is hide.
This becoming more visible thing is really hard. This doing what I feel so deeply called to do is so excruciatingly uncomfortable at times and has asked me to grow in ways I never would have guessed even just one year ago.
Perhaps that’s why I don’t want to celebrate.
Because celebrating also signals reflecting.
There is so much good in this past year. There is so much hard as well.
Standing here, now, looking back over the past year, it is so obvious that great shifts have happened.
Two years ago it would have been absolutely inconceivable that I would be standing in front of people, teaching. Even one year ago, the thought would have been completely overwhelming, paralyzing, and unbelievable to me.
And yet, now, here I am.
It’s not that I didn’t have the skills to, for example, teach a class one year ago. My skills haven’t changed. They are the same I’ve been gathering and refining over the past 15 (15!) years.
Committing to the business side of my work has changed *me*.
In order to reach the people I’m now reaching in the ways I’m now reaching them, I’ve had to become the person who can teach, who can write regularly, who can share more of herself than she has ever felt comfortable sharing in the past.
These changes haven’t been easy.
…a few minutes after beginning this post, I’m realizing that maybe I don’t want to hide as much as I thought.
Maybe I do want to come out of the darkness and, if not celebrate, at least acknowledge this past year.
I’m guessing this next one will be filled with just as many agonies and delights.
And somehow, just now, that feels perfectly right.
If you’d like to acknowledge One Year with me, that’d be lovely. If not, that’s fine too. Obviously, this whole celebrating/acknowledging thing is a bit iffy for me. As always, just saying Hi is also appreciated.